I have been BUSY as can be packing up, moving day is a few days away!!! I ran outta boxes 2 days ago, and sent Mitch out to get a few more. A few.... yeah, my babers came back with like 50 boxes! And he finally brought me some small ones, a little bit too late! I guess he wanted to make sure I had enough, he says he ain't going out for boxes again! Hehehe.
It is a good thing I am caught up on packing, cause yesterday I didn't do anything. Well I cried a lot! It was an awful day! Sami is having a baby girl. She finally found out. And I am happy for her, I am sooooo excited for another niece. And I totally think I coulda handled that news alone. But at the same time I got the news that Netta is pregnant again.
Deep breath.
The second I heard the words my eyes welled up with tears. I tried not to cry, and had to get off the phone. It was too much.
I have a miscarriage, and a few weeks later Sami finds out she is pregnant. I have another miscarriage, and a few weeks later {yesterday} Netta finds out she is pregnant. Are you kidding me????? It's like the fertile fairy took my baby and transplanted it into them. Seriously, they literally conceived almost if not the exact day that I miscarried. Both times!!!!!!!!
It is like someone is taking all of my pain and fears and emotions I am trying very hard to live with, and rubbing them in my face, and saying HAHAHA.
My sisters are all I have. Them and my moms {mother in law counted cause she is fabulous} are ALL. When I started crying yesterday I had nobody to talk to {besides Mitch, who can only take so much} they were all celebrating. I can't take that away. That is not fair of me. I feel so alone. I know I will get through this. But right now, I wanna cry and scream.
It is HARD. I love the girls. I am happy for them. I just don't understand. Maybe if I hadn't been so careful and just got myself knocked up, I'd have my baby.
I was careful. I waited. I used birth control. We are ready financially. We are ready emotionally. We waited for everything to be right. It was hard, I woulda loved a baby years ago, but I knew that it wasn't the right time. Money wasn't right. We weren't ready in our relationship yet. I was too selfish. I liked my time. I didn't wanna share. So I waited.
I know I could get pregnant and stay pregnant next month. The month after. The month after that. I know I might. But I also know I might not. And today I am sad. I am hurt. I am confused. And I am trying to be happy for my sisters. Trying.
Another Deep Breath.
So, I am packing today. All day. And listening to music. It calms me. It helps me forget for a while. I am happily looking forward to moving into my new place in a few days. And I am remembering all the good things in my life..
I hope I didn't scare anyone away. But it's my blog, and I can cry if I want to. Here's to hoping today is better for me and you! :o)
It is a good thing I am caught up on packing, cause yesterday I didn't do anything. Well I cried a lot! It was an awful day! Sami is having a baby girl. She finally found out. And I am happy for her, I am sooooo excited for another niece. And I totally think I coulda handled that news alone. But at the same time I got the news that Netta is pregnant again.
Deep breath.
The second I heard the words my eyes welled up with tears. I tried not to cry, and had to get off the phone. It was too much.
I have a miscarriage, and a few weeks later Sami finds out she is pregnant. I have another miscarriage, and a few weeks later {yesterday} Netta finds out she is pregnant. Are you kidding me????? It's like the fertile fairy took my baby and transplanted it into them. Seriously, they literally conceived almost if not the exact day that I miscarried. Both times!!!!!!!!
It is like someone is taking all of my pain and fears and emotions I am trying very hard to live with, and rubbing them in my face, and saying HAHAHA.
My sisters are all I have. Them and my moms {mother in law counted cause she is fabulous} are ALL. When I started crying yesterday I had nobody to talk to {besides Mitch, who can only take so much} they were all celebrating. I can't take that away. That is not fair of me. I feel so alone. I know I will get through this. But right now, I wanna cry and scream.
It is HARD. I love the girls. I am happy for them. I just don't understand. Maybe if I hadn't been so careful and just got myself knocked up, I'd have my baby.
I was careful. I waited. I used birth control. We are ready financially. We are ready emotionally. We waited for everything to be right. It was hard, I woulda loved a baby years ago, but I knew that it wasn't the right time. Money wasn't right. We weren't ready in our relationship yet. I was too selfish. I liked my time. I didn't wanna share. So I waited.
I know I could get pregnant and stay pregnant next month. The month after. The month after that. I know I might. But I also know I might not. And today I am sad. I am hurt. I am confused. And I am trying to be happy for my sisters. Trying.
Another Deep Breath.
So, I am packing today. All day. And listening to music. It calms me. It helps me forget for a while. I am happily looking forward to moving into my new place in a few days. And I am remembering all the good things in my life..
I hope I didn't scare anyone away. But it's my blog, and I can cry if I want to. Here's to hoping today is better for me and you! :o)
I am so sorry you're going through such a hard time right now. Maybe it helped to "get it off your chest"? Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI will keep you in my prayers. I have never lost a child but I can only imagine it is hard to go through miscarriage after miscarriage. The whole name thing, well I would chalk it up to immaturity. I do have an aunt and an uncle that named their daughter Brooke & her twin sister named her son Brooks. They were born just a few days apart. I say stick to the name but think of a really unique way to spell it. One day you will look back on this and laugh. For now just be patient and know that everything is in Gods hands. It will happen when you least expect it, and it will be all the more sweet. Hugs from me.
ReplyDeleteP.S. You could call me if you ever wanted, I know we just met as blog buddies but I am a good listener. Good luck with packing up.
775-223-8305
I am so sorry. That is terrible. I don't blame you for being upset. They're not taking your feelings into consideration at all. I had a meltdown like this (I'd have to tell you through e-mail) last week.
ReplyDeleteAnd about the stolen name--that's beyond low. My mom's older sister did that to her with my name (I would have been Katherine Elizabeth). Becuase of that, I won't tell anyone what we want to name our kids.
I'm so sorry. You deserve to be furious. I'm furious for you.
I understand your frustrations. My husband and I are trying to plan and be smart about when to bring a child into the world... when we'll be ready as a couple, emotionally, financially, etc. While doing so - other friends are getting pregnant 'by accident' and my cousin got an 18 year old pregnant who he wasn't even really dating (he was 24.. their baby is now 6 months old and they're married). Anyway, it worries me that we are trying to do the right thing and we may have problems when it comes time. I mean - I haven't 'accidentally' gotten pregnant yet so maybe there is a problem. Oh, well. I'm hoping for the best but can empathize a little (I'm sure not even close) with you.
ReplyDeleteThe name thing is low. I already have my name picked out for a girl named after my great grandmother and I would have killed my cousin and his girlfriend if they stole my name.
At least they are having a girl and won't be using your name. Still... the fact that they were even considering it is pretty low. It is probably immaturity like someone mentioned above... but that doesn't excuse it.
All I can say is, wow, I'm SO sorry. Right after I lost my baby, I found out that my best friend was expecting and it crushed me. I can only imagine if it was my sister, or worse, sisters! Oh, and you are TOTALLY justified in your feelings. I hope you can feel better soon...and get through your move ok! Good luck! Hugs :o)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I know how hard it is to watch others having babies when it seems you never will. I had two miscarriages before having our children. It seemed like everyone we knew was getting pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Kimberly! How truly awful that your sister and the butt head did that to you. I don't think it's silly at all to be upset, not one bit. That's completely out of bounds, to use that name, when you've had it planned for ever. You know, I would still use it anyway. I really would. If that's the name you have picked and loved for so long, you have every right to use it anyway. I'm sorry that you are having a hard time with your family.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with the moving. Maybe this new move will bring good changes into your life. I'll be thinking about you!
This post made me think of one of my favorite quotes:
ReplyDelete"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.I only wish He didn't trust me so much."
~Mother Teresa
LET IT OUT GIRL!!!! You know, a blog is the best place to let it out because there are lots of people who totally understand what you're going through. I can somewhat relate, but not really. I've seen it happen too many times though to other people that I know. It's really not fair that you aren't pregnant yet, but your time will come. I know it will. And you and Mitch will be truly blessed with a beautiful baby when it's time. When I was pregnant (After trying for a while), I found out that my stupid cousin was pregnant again. Thank God I was due a month before her because she TRIED to steal my name that I had picked out!!! Well, then when I named my baby, she tried to come up with a name that was one letter off! How dumb is that? It's not as much fun to be pregnant the same time as a family member because it kind of takes away your spotlight. I was pissed my whole 1st and 2nd trimesters... the 3rd I was just miserable! So hopefully when you do get pregnant, no one else will be trying to steal your spotlight!!! :-)
ReplyDeleteOMG - I had no idea! I've been so wrapped up in everything here that I didn't know you were even pregnant! I'm sooo sorry!
ReplyDeleteAnd now THAT! Girl - I would have done the same thing! I mean, come on! I bought a book with each pregnancy and they had something like 1 million and 1 names in each! Could they not find another freakin' name!? Seriously?!
You have every right to be mad!!