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Saturday, September 20, 2008

Life gets easier everyday

Sometimes I worry too much what others are thinking of what I write...... like right now, even though I am trying not to, the thought keeps creeping into my mind as I type away. But why do I care????

I blog for me mostly. My last post was pretty uncaring though. I was kinda mean actually. I didn't mean to be, I was hurting. My pain is better. I have anger still, deep inside, and toward people I love. I'm sorry I can't help it. I'm not mad AT my sisters, just at life in general, and at how unfair it can be.

I waited to even try to get pregnant until now, until I was settled, and married, and totally and completely sure. I was so careful before, even though I would have loved to have a baby years ago, me and Mitch knew we weren't ready, so we waited and were VERY careful while we waited.

But last December we decided we were ready, and after trying month after month, we FINALLY were pregnant. If you have read my previous post or my other blog you know I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks along. I made my other blog private, maybe someday I will write again, if I decide to share my future possible pregnancy with anyone, but I can't bring myself to delete it, just hide it, so only I can read it.

I am dealing with my pain, the physical part took weeks to end, I finally miscarried (after knowing I had lost the baby for weeks) this past Friday. It was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced, made worse by the fact that every pain I felt was accompanied by the knowledge that all my dreams for my baby would never be, my baby was gone.

Emotionally I am a lot better too. Thank you too everyone who helped me through everything, I got encouragement from the most unexpected people, mostly on my myspace and my close family, but here on blogger I know Amber shared her story, if you read this Amber, thank you for the support, and thoughts, they helped.

Now that I can finally talk a little bit about my feelings, I am hurt by new news. I found out that my little sister is pregnant, and that another little sister is trying for her second child. It is hard for me to deal with. I am not angry with them, I love both of them very much, but find it harder to talk to them right now. I want to be happy for them, and be a part of their pregnancy, but it hurts too much.

It's not fair, and nobody better dare comment about how life isn't fair.... I know, but I am still entitled to be hurt by this. Me and Mitch are good people, and we would be awesome parents. I don't understand. I tried today to talk about my feelings, but it was too hard, I felt mean. So maybe if you read this then you will know that I love you both sooooo much, and I hope to share your happiness some day, but I can't today. And I know I wasn't supposed to know... everyone is protecting "poor Kimmy" lately, but secrets are never kept in our family, everyone knows that!

Anyways, I did it, I wrote what I wanted, and I am sure some people might find it boring, or sad, or be hurt.... but this is my place to post my feelings, my life experiences, share my creativity, and just be "me", so it's OK.

And I promise to be happy, and share some fun things in an upcoming post.... I have new pictures, and fun stories, and finished projects to share!!!!!

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