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Thursday, September 4, 2008

Someday soon, I hope...

As I sit here curled up in a ball on my studio floor, I am wishing I had the desire to clean up this disaster, followed by a desire to use my creativity to make amazingly beautiful things. But I just can't right now. The only thing I can will myself to do besides sleep and watch TV, is to make sure my husband has lunch packed each day for work, and clean clothes to wear.

As sad as I am right now, I can't bear to be totally useless, especially to him, when he is working so hard, and trying the best he knows how to be here for me right now.

I know it is not my fault that we won't be having our baby next March like we were so looking forward to, and planning for and dreaming about, but it feels awful, having no reason, having nobody to blame, it is hard to accept that it just happens sometimes. That is is for the best, that it is really happening to me. That my baby, and all my hopes and dreams for it are just gone, with a few words from the doctor.

Mitch was so excited, and even though he says we can try again, and that it will be OK, and he acts like he isn't at all hurt by what has happened, I know he must be, and that he must be hiding it to be strong for me. I am a mess. And I know maybe this post might be better suited to my other blog, but I just wanted to share some of my feelings, and the reason why I haven't been around much to anyone who may not make it over to my other blog, that I will soon remove.

Even when we do decide to get pregnant again, and the doctors says I should wait at least 3 months, to be emotionally and physically better, I don't know if I can continue the same blog, or if I will even blog about it all all. I know I will keep the next pregnancy a secret, at least until I know for sure that the baby is alive and doing amazingly well. Telling everyone about the miscarriage has been hard. Very very hard. And I have no idea how many people actually knew about the pregnancy.

I wish I could be fun and happy, and creatively inspiring. But right now, I am going to end this post and go watch a movie or something, and hope I fall asleep soon. And I am not going to care one little bit that I am depressing any of you few people who might stop by to read about my boring little life. I shared the happy news here, and unfortunately I must share the sad news too. I lost my baby, the tiny little life that was growing inside of me for 3 months. I am sad. I am not ready to talk about my feelings, and I am only posting this here to avoid as many painful real life conversations as possible.

Thank you to all my friends and family that have been here for me. I am dreading the next few weeks, and I know you will continue to be there when I need you. I love you all.

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